Top Ten Funny Quotes

1. "Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"
   Short and funny quote by, Homer J Simpson.
   
   
   
2. "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car"
   Short funny quotes, Unknown.
   
   
   
3. "I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
   Short funny quotes by, Zsa Zsa Gabor
   
   
   
4. "I remmember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
   Short and funny quotes, Rodney Dangerfield
   
   
   
5. "People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world," Calvin.
   
   
   
6. "Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?" Hobbes.
   Short and funny quotes, Calvin and Hobbes.
   
   
   
7. "Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality."
   Short and funny quote by, Clifton Fadiman.
   
   
   
8. "Never stand between a dog and the hydrant."
   Short Funny Quote by, John Peers.
   
   
   
9. "You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."
   - Short and funny quote by, Pearl Williams.
   
   
   
10. "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner."
    Short and funny quote by, Lyndon B. Johnson.
    
    
    
11. "He's so optimistic he'd buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants."
    Short and funny quote by, Chuck Tanner.

Cute Friendship Quotes

"I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and new."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

"A faithful friend is a strong defense; and he that hath found him hath found a treasure."
Louisa May Alcott

"Friendship with oneself is all-important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world."
Eleanor Roosevelt

"Never take friendship for granted, you never know what tomorrow holds."
Catherine Pulsifer

"It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship."
Henry Ward Beecher

"Distrust is poison to friendship."
Danish Proverb

"True friendship is like sound health, the value of it is seldom known until it be lost."
Charles C. Colton

"Youth fades; love droops; the leaves of friendship fall; a mother's secret hope outlives them all!"
Washington Irving

"I have friends in overalls whose friendship I would not swap for the favor of the kings of the world."
Thomas Edison

Deep and Meaningful Quotes

At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent.
Barbara Bush

Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time. Then your time on earth will be filled with glory.
Betty Smith

When you see a man of worth, think of how you may emulate him. When you see one who is unworthy, examine yourself.
Confucius

Each day is a new canvas to paint upon. Make sure your picture is full of life and happiness, and at the end of the day you don't look at it and wish you had painted something different.
Author Unknown

Nothing is predestined: The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.
Ralph Blum

To be able to give away riches is mandatory if you wish to possess them. This is the only way that you will be truly rich.”
Mahummad Ali

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.
Dalai Lama

Inspirational Quotes about Quotations

Inspirational Quotes about Quotations

"Quotations help us remember the simple yet profound truths that give life perspective and meaning. When it comes to life's most important lessons, we can all use gentle reminders."
Chriswell Freeman

"Quotation is the highest compliment you can pay to an author."
Samuel Johnson

"I pick my favourite quotations and store them in my mind as ready armour, offensive or defensive, amid the struggle of this turbulent existence."
Robert Burns

"Life itself is a quotation."
Jorge Luis Borges

"One must be a wise reader to quote wisely and well."
Amos Bronson Alcott

"A fine quotation is a diamond on the finger of a man of wit, and a pebble in the hand of a fool."
Joseph Roux

"The wisdom of the wise and the experience of the ages is preserved into perpetuity by a nation's proverbs, fables, folk sayings and quotations."
William Feather

"It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations. Bartlett's Familiar Quotations is an admirable work, and I studied it intently. The quotations when engraved upon the memory give you good thoughts. They also make you anxious to read the authors and look for more."
Sir Winston Churchill

"I love quotations because it is a joy to find thoughts one might have, beautifully expressed with much authority by someone recognized wiser than oneself."
Marlene Dietrich

"The next thing to saying a good thing yourself, is to quote one."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

"A quote can change the way you think about challenges you face."
Catherine Pulsifer

"I quote others only to better express myself."
Michel Montaigne

"A book of quotations, can never be complete."
Robert M. Hamilton

"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. "
George Bernard Shaw

"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote."
Douglas Jerrold


Benjamin Disraeli once said, "The wisdom of the wise, and the experience of ages, may be preserved by quotation." We agree there are many that contain wisdom and experience in them. And, Michel de Montaigne said, "When I quote others I do so in order to express my own ideas more clearly. We believe this as they can help express a thought or an idea that you just can't find the right words to express.

Motivational Quotes

Motivational Quotations

It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Take calculated risks. That is quite different from being rash.
George S. Patton

If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes.
St. Clement of Alexandra

We are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery, guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate. The world is all gates, all opportunities.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Seek the lofty by reading, hearing and seeing great work at some moment every day.
Thornton Wilder

The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible.
Arthur C. Clarke

Without inspiration the best powers of the mind remain dormant, they is a fuel in us which needs to be ignited with sparks.
Johann Gottfried Von Herder

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore,
is not an act but a habit.
Aristotle

Work spares us from three evils: boredom, vice, and need.
Voltaire

Experience is the child of thought, and thought is the child of action.
Benjamin Disraeli

You cannot plough a field by
turning it over in your mind.
Author Unknown

The best way out is always through.
Robert Frost

Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking.
William B. Sprague

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.
Samuel Johnson

Fortune favors the brave.
Publius Terence

He who hesitates is lost.
Proverb

Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
Albert Einstein

Knowing is not enough; we must apply.
Willing is not enough; we must do.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

We are still masters of our fate.
We are still captains of our souls.
Winston Churchill

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

For hope is but the dream
of those that wake.
Matthew Prior

Constant dripping hollows out a stone.
Lucretius

Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose--
a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye.
Mary Shelley

Happiness Quotes

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

Happiness does not consist in pastimes and amusements but in virtuous activities.
Aristotle

Happiness resides not in posessions and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul.
Democritus

People with many interests live, not only longest, but happiest.
George Matthew Allen

In the hopes of reaching the moon men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet.
Albert Schweitzer

There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you.
David Burns, Intimate Connections

The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions—the little soon-forgotten charities of a kiss, a smile, a kind look, a heartfelt compliment in the disguise of a playful raillery, and the countless other infinitessimals of pleasurable thought and genial feeling.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Happiness consists in activity: such is the constitution of our nature; it is a running stream, and not a stagnant pool.
John M. Good

Men spend their lives in anticipations,—in determining to be vastly happy at some period when they have time. But the present time has one advantage over every other—it is our own. Past opportunities are gone, future have not come. We may lay in a stock of pleasures, as we would lay in a stock of wine; but if we defer the tasting of them too long, we shall find that both are soured by age.
Charles Caleb Colton

Who is the happiest of men? He who values the merits of others, and in their pleasure takes joy, even as though 'twere his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The chances are that you have already come to believe that happiness is unattainable. But men have attained it. And they have attained it by realising that happiness does not spring from the procuring of physical or mental pleasure, but from the development of reason and the adjustment of conduct to principles.
from How to Live on 24 Hours a Day, by Arnold Bennett

Happiness is not a matter of events, it depends upon the tides of the mind.
Alice Meynell

Fortify yourself with contentment, for this is an impregnable fortress.
Epictetus

Happiness depends more on the inward disposition of mind than on outward circumstances.
Benjamin Franklin

There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying things which are beyond the power of our will.
Epictetus

I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than attempting to satisfy them.
John Stuart Mills

You're happiest while you're making the greatest contribution.
Robert F. Kennedy

Great effort from great motives is the best definition of a happy life.
William Ellery Channing

There is more to life than increasing its speed.
Mahatma Ghandi

The rays of happiness, like those of light, are colorless when unbroken.
Henry W. Longfellow

Happiness grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in strangers' gardens.
Douglas Jerrold

Happiness is where we find it, but rarely where we seek it.
J. Petit Senn

To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others.
Albert Camus

Happiness depends upon ourselves.
Aristotle

Try to be happy in this present moment, and put not off being so to a time to come,—as though that time should be of another make from this which has already come and is ours.
Thomas Fuller

Knowledge of what is possible is the beginning of happiness.
George Santayana

No man is happy who does not think himself so.
Publilius Syrus

Quotes about life

Dost thou love life?
Then do not squander time,
for that is the stuff life is made of.
Benjamin Franklin

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
Helen Keller

Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will.
Jawaharal Nehru

Life is like the dice that, falling, still show a different face. So life, though it remains the same, is always presenting different aspects.
Alexis

Our life's a stage, a comedy: either learn to play and take it lightly, or bear its troubles patiently.
Palladas

The geat blessing of mankind are within us and within our reach; but we shut our eyes, and like people in the dark, we fall foul upon the very thing we search for, without finding it.
Seneca
(7 B.C. - 65 A.D.)

Govern thy life and thoughts as if the whole world were to see the one, and read the other.
Thomas Fuller

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Unrest of spirit is a mark of life; one problem after another presents itself and in the solving of them we can find our greatest pleasure.
Kal Menninger

Life is short, art long, opportunity fleeting, experience treacherous, judgment difficult.
Hypocrites

After the game,
the king and the pawn go into the same box.
Italian Proverb

Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think.
La Bruyere

Life is like a library owned by the author.
In it are a few books which he wrote himself,
but most of them were written for him.
Harry Emerson Fosdick

We make our fortunes, and we call them fate.
Earl of Beaconsfield

The best way to prepare for life is to begin to live.
Elbert Hubbard

Life's a voyage that's homeward bound.
Herman Melville

The whole of life is but a moment of time. It is our duty, therefore to use it, not to misuse it.
Plutarch

Life is a rich strain of music, suggesting a realm too fair to be.
George William Curtis

The boundaries which divide life from death
are at best shadowy and vague.
Who shall say where one ends,
and the other begins?
Edgar Alan Poe

One way to get the most out of life is
to look upon it as an adventure.
William Feather

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

There are no classes in life for beginners: right away you are always asked to deal with what is most difficult.
Rainer Maria Rilke

To live is like to love--all reason is against it, and all healthy instinct for it.
Samuel Butler

One life - a little gleam of time between two eternities.
Thomas Carlyle

Life is a pure flame,
and we live by an invisible sun within us.
Sir Thomas Brown

Inspirational Quotes

Success Quotations

Along with success comes a reputation for wisdom.
Euripides

They can because they think they can.
Virgil

Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.
Thomas Jefferson

Keep steadily before you the fact that all true success depends at last upon yourself.
Theodore T. Hunger

We are all motivated by a keen desire for praise, and the better a man is, the more he is inspired to glory.
Cicero

Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.
Robert Collier

The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen.
Frank Loyd Wright

A failure is a man who has blundered, but is not able to cash in on the experience.
Elbert Hubbard

There is only one success--to be able to spend your life in your own way.
Christopher Morley

Success is sweet: the sweeter if long delayed and attained through manifold struggles and defeats.
A. Branson Alcott

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Aristotle Onassis

The greatest results in life are usually attained by simple means and the exercise of ordinary qualities. These may for the most part be summed in these two: common-sense and perseverance.
Owen Feltham

Failures do what is tension relieving, while winners do what is goal achieving.
Dennis Waitley

The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack in will.
Vince Lombardi

I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure--which is:
Try to please everybody.
Herbert Bayard Swope

Success does not consist in never making blunders, but in never making the same one a second time.
Josh Billings

The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes.
Earl of Beaconsfield

Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration and inspiration.
Evan Esar

The surest way not to fail is to determine to succeed.
Richard Brinsley Sheridan

If you wish success in life, make perseverance your bosom friend, experience your wise counselor, caution your elder brother, and hope your guardian genius.
Jospeph Addison

Impatience never commanded success.
Edwin H. Chapin

The talent of success is nothing more than doing what you can do, well.
Henry W. Longfellow

To climb steep hills requires a slow pace at first.
Shakespeare

Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.
Albert Einstein

The man who makes a success of an important venture never wails for the crowd. He strikes out for himself. It takes nerve, it takes a great lot of grit; but the man that succeeds has both. Anyone can fail. The public admires the man who has enough confidence in himself to take a chance. These chances are the main things after all. The man who tries to succeed must expect to be criticized. Nothing important was ever done but the greater number consulted previously doubted the possibility. Success is the accomplishment of that which most people think can't be done.
C. V. White

Creative Facebook and Twitter Status Messages

1. is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years
2. .. used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
3. .. says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
4. .. is in bed with your Girlfriend !
5. I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
6. If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
7. Studying for my AIDS test hope i dont fail.
8. .. understands that hard work pays off in future but Laziness pays off now !
9. .. thinks copy & paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest…
10. is wondering if less means more, then think how much more, would more be?
11. is a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
12. is .ʇı ʎuǝp oʇ ʎɹʇ ʇ,uop .ʍou ʇɥbıɹ ʎɐʍɐ puıɯ ɹnoʎ buıʍo1q
13. thinks that happiness is a failure to understand how bad things really are.
14. I’m on the “Starts tomorrow” diet.
15. recommends screwing the ceiling fan in before switching it on!
16. Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped
17. Is Wondering…. If Money Doesn’t Grow On Trees,, Then Why Do Banks Have Branches ?
18. found out that if you search google in google, the internet would shut down….
19. Watch your wedding video backwards, you will love the bit where u take off the ring get out of the Church and f*** off with friends
20. Insert coin to view my status message.
21. iTunes just suffered a major melt down. I now have noTunes now
22. thinks "Recession" is when your neighbor loses his job. "Depression" is when you lose yours. And "Recovery" is when Obama loses his
23. working for the weekend, like everybody !
24. is posting on Twitter that he is updating his Facebook status update.
25. says the only constant is change, except from a vending machine.

Funny facebook status Messege

The Funny Status Updates......

Dave feels like getting some work done...and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.

Katie used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she's good at everything.

Dave is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube... This could take a while...

Katie dreams of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned :0)

Dave says my computer just beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Dave is wondering why his daughter's diaper holds no where near the 22-37 pounds it promises.

Katie is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

Dave doesn't suffer from insanity... he enjoys every minute of it.

Dave is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

Katie thinks that if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"

Dave before you use the bathroom in someones house make sure you check they have toilet paper!!

Dave Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Katie "Good morning...I see the assassins have failed."

Dave is cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.

Katie Be nice to nerds, Chances are you will be working for them.

Dave is normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

Katie is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute

Dave just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.

Katie would rather check her facebook than face her checkbook.

Dave believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.

Katie ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ

Dave Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"

Katie is Loading ████████████ 99%

Dave People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

Katie Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?

Dave I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case.

Katie It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

Dave How To Be A Hero tip: When destroying the enemy be sure to kill all the criminals in reverse order of importance before confronting the kingpin himself.

Katie went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.

Dave Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Katie What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?... Next week.

Dave My wife said I'm too immature and if I don't grow up it's going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.

Katie Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.

Dave Hi, my name is Damimeve. The 'mime' is silent.

Katie got her test results back this morning and is shocked to find that she's been diagnosed with OCD. She's rung the doctors nine times to check if they're correct.

Dave reckons anti-wrinkle cream doesn't work. If it did, women wouldn't have any fingerprints.

Katie will one day get even... with all the people that have helped her.

Dave Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Katie People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

Dave Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.

Katie Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.

Dave I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.

Katie I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

Dave I've always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.

Katie TEIAM - problem solved

Dave never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.

Katie never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.

Dave Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"